Skip to main content

"I'm not perfect, and so aren't you"

A pastiche of excerpts (slightly remodeled) from online personal ads, 2014.

Hey. So what's up? Unicorn here. I haven't been on a date in ten years. Why do men lie? I meet men, and then I find out they have girlfriends or wives. I’m a very hungry caterpillar, and the majority of men here give me a stomachache. I’m tired of online dating so I thought I’d post to the Internet instead. If you are charming, I will eat you and turn myself into a beautiful butterfly. I live in another state; if that is a problem, I understand.

I do not want to date a man who is old. One other thing: It hurts my feelings when people ask me to send a picture of myself and then they make fun of it and tell me it’s not my real photo. Knock it off.

I’m a pretty girl, age 40, who lost weight in the wrong places. I am a saggy mess with no boobs. I need a “face guy” who’ll think I’m sexy when I’m hiding behind nice clothes. I need a man over six feet tall because otherwise I’ll feel like I’m bending over to hug a child. Please do not try to convince me that I secretly want to date someone shorter, and I'm not interested in your classy comments about how you make up for it in other ways. Someone trim and active, too, who will inspire me to shred the rest of my weight off – not another couch potato like me. A little thug appeal would be the icing on the cake. I listen to Miley Cyrus. You must love pit bulls and hamsters. Let’s harvest the honey bud of life.

I’m a Native American girl. We dance to make the weather, and we are fascinated by boys with white skin and blond hair. You know, Pocahontas John Whatever Quetzlcoatl type shit. I need a forever boyfriend before I make it snow.

I’m 30 years old, and I have no one to stand by me. I could use a strong support system behind these walls. I can use all the love and help I can get in here. I prefer people who have their lives in order. Send your address so I can get in touch.

I was born with a syndrome. I hope it does not scare anyone off. I have brown hair and green eyes. I really want to be married at some point. I know the importance of a physical relationship between a woman and a man, but I don't want to focus on sex all the time, so I’m looking for a sexless relationship.

My ethnicity: white and pretty. Where is my punky-looking sweetie? Can you be my knight in shining armor as well as my homie lover-friend? I promise to accept you for who you are and to love you all the more for your flaws that make you unique. (Unless you smoke cigarettes – sorry.)

I am beautiful in every way. I seek an American husband with the objective of immigration. My brother, a former Marine, will screen out the losers. I hope to hear from the right man. Please include your GPS location.

I’m different, not like other women, by the way. Convince me why I should be with you. If I have to tell you what “blow my mind” means, don’t bother responding.

Looking for a guy who wants to be friends and loves dark meat. Hit me up if you’re serious. Be a real man. Successful and classy. Blue-collar and down-to-earth. No one stuffy or prissy. No erectile dysfunction, please. I’m feminine with a touch of tomboy on the weekends. I'm looking for a good-looking, laid-back guy who's fun to be around. That may be asking for too much on this retarded site. I’m job searching. I’m crazy but harmless. I just want an uncut guy for a long-term relationship.

I’m a junior in college looking for an actually relationship. Someone who lives alone, smokes, and likes snakes, and is walking distance from me. I will walk over to your place and we can smoke and play video games. If it’s not too much to ask, I was wondering if my two pet snakes can live at your place for a little while. Also, I need to rearrange my apartment, and my girlfriends and I can’t do it ourselves because we're too short. If you’re interested, feel free to respond.

Once again, someone has flagged my ad for removal, and it has pissed me off. Someone out there is trying to ruin my chances of finding love. Whoever you are, knock it off. You should be ashamed of yourself! For those of you who like my ads, thank you. I miss date nights and I’m looking for a soulmate. If you are interested in me, please respond, and whoever is flagging my posts, stop reading them. This ad is for people who are interested in me.

I honestly don't know what to ask anymore. Or what to even write. I guess what I'm looking for is a guy best friend with whom I can hang out and can text/call constantly even when we just finished doing something together. Actually, I’m just looking for someone to chat with, not a relationship – I am too unstable for that. I've been trying to get help, but no one wants to help me, and they wonder why there are mass shootings.

Remember the days when you had to call a girl to hear her voice? It’s all gone now. Everything is so f–ed up. I’m bored and lonely. I need a guy who is loyal, respectful, not into head games. White only. This Sunday, we could go to the beach or just sit around. We could make dinner and build a relationship that leads to marriage and kids.

Tough divorced executive seeking a f–toy college jock houseboy with passion, stamina, and great equipment. I'm not the slow and tender type. The whole 'I'll please you before I please myself, baby' thing just makes me laugh. Sorry, guys. Nothing excites me more than having command of a well dressed masculine guy. I find myself imagining what type of underwear he's wearing or how well equipped he is. We all have a type. Mine is young, strong, and has an ass that’s real easy to look at. I want it no-strings attached in the hot tub, the car, and the balcony. Get back to me with your most convincing pics.

Whatever happened to chivalry? “Yes, ma’am,” “No, sir,” and the like? I am a Southern belle. Whatever happened to husbands bringing their wives flowers, and children respecting their parents? Whatever happened to Christian values and human decency? There must be at least one God-fearing man who isn't married, locked-up, cheating, gay, or on the down-low who is interested in meeting me. If I wanted a bitch, I’d date broads. If you’d like to take my pain away tonight, send me a selfie.

I’m in an emotional and physical transition right now. I need grounding. Are you up for the task? I work second shift. I’m not looking for a “texter”. Please be patient with my replies. I'm not perfect, and so aren't you. Please don't bring up my past when we’re fighting.

I can’t walk around with a sign on me. My computer won’t allow me to send pics out, but I am attractive. I will “giggle” my hips for you! Don’t send a dick pic, please.

I like blond guys, mulattos, and light-skinned black guys. I like Jews – or guys who might be Jewish, LOL – with names like Jacob. I like guys who smoke pot. I like Chris Brown.

If you’re trolling these messages while eating popcorn and laughing your ass off, hi! I do the same thing! I have always associated this website with sexually transmitted diseases and serial killers, so, before anything sexual can happen between us, you must get tested for disease.

There's more to life than masturbating over fictional characters. At least, I think there is. Not that it can't be fun. But, now that it's a new year, maybe I should try giving my vibrator a rest.

I want a tall man to call my beast. I prefer long hair and a waxed chest. Are you career-orientated? Are you caring like a dolphin? Can you read between the dotted line of love?

I think I am really pretty. I rarely drink. There’s so much more to tell. If you’re not opiate-friendly, there’s no point in talking. We won’t get along.

Here’s the catch – I’m in Rhode Island.


You might like:


Image credit: Silhouette defining a female body shape. Public domain, from Open Clip Art Library on Wikimedia Commons. Superimposed on the background of a peacock tail at Kuala Lumpur Bird Park by Loke Seng Hon, Creative Commons 3.0, on Wikimedia Commons.


Popular posts from this blog

Castration at the Battle of Adwa (1896)

On March 1, 1896, the Battle of Adwa "cast doubt upon an unshakable certainty of the age – that sooner or later Africans would fall under the rule of Europeans." In this battle, Ethiopians beat back the invading Italians and forced them to retreat permanently. It was not until 1922 that Benito Mussolini would again initiate designs against Ethiopia; despite Ethiopia's defeat in 1936, the nation ultimately retained its independence. "Adwa opened a breach that would lead, in the aftermath of world war fifty years later, to the rollback of European rule in Africa. It was," Raymond Jonas wrote, "an event that determined the color of Africa." (p. 1) It was also significant because it upheld the power of Ethiopia's Christian monarchy that controlled an ethnically diverse nation (p. 333), a nation in which, in the late 19th century, the Christian Emperor Yohannes had tried to force Muslims to convert to Christianity. (p. 36) The Victorian English spelli

Review of Cliff Sims' 'Team of Vipers' (2019)

After he resigned his position, Cliff Sims spent two months in Fall 2018 writing Team of Vipers: My 500 Extraordinary Days in the Trump White House . Many stories are told, some already well known to the public, some not. One buys this book, most likely, to gape at the colossal flameout spectacle that is Donald Trump, as with most things with Trump's name. Sims exposes the thoughtlessness, the chaos, the lack of empathy among his fellow insiders in the campaign and later in the White House, but he does not at all acknowledge the real consequences for ordinary Americans — there might as well be no world outside the Trump insider bubble, for all this narrative concerns itself with — and therefore falls far short of fully grappling with the ethical implications of his complicity. Previously, Sims was a journalist. "I had written tough stories, including some that helped take down a once-popular Republican governor in my home state," he says. "I had done my best to be

The ‘prostitute with a gun’ was a middle-class high school girl

On May 19, 1992, Amy Fisher, a 17-year-old high school student in Long Island, N.Y., rang the bell at the home of 37-year-old Mary Jo Buttafuoco. Buttafuoco stepped onto her front porch and had a brief conversation with the girl, whom she had never met before. Fisher then shot her in the face and fled the scene. Neighbors heard the shot and rushed to Buttafuoco's aid. She regained consciousness the next day in a hospital and was able to recall the conversation with her attacker. This information helped police to promptly identify and arrest Fisher. Fisher's explanation of her action shocked the nation. She claimed that she had been lovers with her victim's husband, Joey Buttafuoco, 36, since the previous summer when she was still only 16. While those who knew Buttafuoco believed him to be a pillar of the community, Fisher said he perpetrated auto theft scams. She claimed he introduced her to a life of prostitution, such that she wore a beeper to her high school classes an