Wednesday, February 10, 2021

Quotes: Learning from people who are different

Without stealing or unfairly/inexpertly appropriating ideas from each other, we can learn from each other. Two reflections on this:

“The Jew can teach the Indian a lot about how to survive as a people and as a culture while being uprooted from one’s homeland, and against the odds of genocide and forceful proselytizing campaigns perpetrated by dominant religions and cultures. The Indian can teach the Jew a lot about what the Jew has lost at the expense of centuries of survival consciousness and uprootedness from connection to the land, information that is far more fresh in the ways of the Indians than it is in the ways of contemporary Jews.”
Gershon Winkler. Magic of the Ordinary: Recovering the Shamanic in Judaism. Berkeley, Calif.: North Atlantic Books, 2003. p. xx.

"Sufi mystics were renowned for their poetic testimonies to a paradigm of self-annihilation (fana) followed by a return to the glorious ‘subsistence’ (baqa) of everyday life. And similar notions, I believe, are to be found in Hindu teachings of the mystical heart-cave (quha) and Buddhist teachings on sacred emptiness (sunyata) and nothingness (nirvana)."
Richard Kearney. Anatheism: Returning to God After God. New York: Columbia University Press, 2010.

On how we can internalize the perspective of a parent (or anyone close to us), as we imagine they would express their perspective:

"What’s always funny, with me and Mom, is how the conversation can continue even when we’re not in the same room—how whenever I feel especially under pressure, I almost always start to hear my own internal version of her arguing with what I think might be her internal version of me, as though I’m rehearsing our next argument in my head, playing through things I’d never have the guts to say to her in person. Except . . . maybe it’s less “guts” than simple forbearance, a wistful wish to seem more reasonable than I often think I’m capable of being, plus the insight to know exactly how crazy most of the shit I long to spew at her would sound, if blurted out loud: how bitter, how scary. How essentially unnatural."
Gemma Files. Experimental Film. Toronto, Canada: ChiZine, 2015. P. 191.

A shared reality affects how we interpret our personal experiences:

"...two recognitions of human life that sound paradoxical but are actually complementary. First, people’s experiences are intensely personal; claims to the uniqueness of experience are true and deserve to be honored. Second, people’s ability to have experiences depends on shared cultural resources that provide words, meanings, and the boundaries that segment the flow of time into episodes. Experiences are very much our own, but we don’t make up these experiences by ourselves.”
Arthur W. Frank. The Wounded Storyteller: Body, Illness, and Ethics. (Originally published 1995.) Second edition. Chicago and London: The University of Chicago Press, 2013. Preface, 2013.

Saturday, February 6, 2021

What are friends for? Some quotes on friendship.

Let's brainstorm a few purposes for which friends are for!

To provide something you want (e.g. cocaine, secretarial skills, chocolate)

"In The Americanization of Narcissism, Elizabeth Lunbeck explains that Freud wrote his book on Leonardo during the climax and dissolution of one of the most important relationships in his life, an intensely intimate friendship with Wilhelm Fliess, an ear, nose, and throat doctor who was, for some time, Freud’s coke dealer. Beyond that, the exact nature of their intimacy is a matter of debate. The two exchanged hundreds of letters; Freud’s friends thought Fliess a fraud and a charlatan.
* * *
Freud traveled with another close friend, the psychoanalyst Sándor Ferenczi, to Sicily, a trip that both seemed to have highly anticipated. Despite having sent dozens of passionate letters to Ferenczi in anticipation of the trip, however, once they arrived in Italy, Freud reversed course, treating Ferenczi as his secretary, suddenly more interested in working on the book alone than in spending time with his companion. When Ferenczi objected, Freud performed what the narcisphere calls “doing a discard”: he left him, Ferenczi complained, “out in the cold” for the rest of the trip. For his part, Freud criticized Ferenczi for idealizing him, for imagining him omnipotent, something that, Lunbeck argues, Freud had done to Fliess."
Kristin Dombek. The Selfishness of Others: An Essay on the Fear of Narcissism. FSG Originals, 2016.

"There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate."
Charles Dickens, quoted in the Peoria, Ill., Journal Star.

To partner in crime

"What is that old saying? A friend is someone who helps you hide the body — that was the gist of this new rapport. I sensed it immediately. My life was going to change. In this strange creature, I’d met my match, my kindred spirit, my ally. Already I wanted to extend my hand, slashed and ready to be shaken in a pact of blood, that was how impressionable and lonely I was. I kept my hands in my pockets, however. This marked the beginning of the dark bond which now paves the way for the rest of my story."
Ottessa Moshfegh. Eileen. New York: Penguin, 2015. p. 97.

To listen to your suffering

"I was so afraid that every session would be the last time I saw her [my therapist] that I made full afternoons out of driving west to see her. I now knew what beauty and intimacy were: this thing we had for one or two hours when she could fit me in between doctor’s appointments."
Jill Soloway. She Wants It: Desire, Power, and Toppling the Patriarchy. Crown, 2018.

To reflect your suffering

"I didn’t know if the universe actively taught lessons. But if it did, the lesson was that I could not handle what I thought I could handle. The lesson was that I didn’t need to act out with Theo to learn the lesson. I didn’t have to suffer again. The suffering of others, Claire and now Diana, could remind me of my own suffering: the suffering of the past and my potential future suffering. Maybe this is why we did things in groups. Maybe this is why people had friends: so we could see ourselves and our own insanity in them."
Melissa Broder. The Pisces. London: Hogarth, 2018. p. 120.

To answer your call

"Perhaps we’re obsessed as a species with romantic love because it helps propagate our species. But isn’t friendship just as necessary to emotional survival?
When we find the right friend at the right time in our life, or the right teacher, or the right student, our lives are changed forever. Max was the voice that answered back. And he still is."
“An introvert’s guide to friendship.” Sarah Ruhl. New York Times. Dec. 1, 2018.

To sit in silence

“When we see someone again after many years, we should sit down facing each other and say nothing for hours, so that by means of silence our consternation can relish itself.”
E. M. Cioran. The Trouble With Being Born. (1973)(Trans. by Richard Howard.) New York: Arcade, 2012.

To enlarge your community

“In The Spirit of Intimacy, the Burkinabé writer and teacher Sobonfu Somé wrote that in Dagara knowledge systems, ‘Each of us is seen as a spirit who has taken the form of a human in order to carry out a purpose. Spirit is the energy that helps us connect, that helps us see beyond our racially limited parameters.’”
Minna Salami. Sensuous Knowledge: A Black Feminist Approach For Everyone. Amistad, 2020. Chapter 4. “Of Identity.”

To intrigue and inspire you with their solitude

"In “The Grape Man,” Crosley reflects on the death of her downstairs neighbor Don, an older, single man who tended an elaborate garden outside his apartment. “To live alone can be a glorious thing. Between jags of crippling loneliness and wretched TV, it’s an education in self-sufficiency, self-actualization and self-tanner. But it is possible to have too many rooms of one’s own,” Crosley remarks, with some regret for never having taken full inventory of this man’s solitude. Don had occupied for her the strange and unlabeled space between the palpable, but mostly passive, affection between neighbors, and the solid, certain affections between actual friends. The essay’s sadness derives not just from Don’s isolation, but from the author’s reminder that nearly everyone we know in some way occupies that same mysterious liminal space."
“The Essays Are Personal. The Truths Are Universal.” Alana Massey. Reviewing Sloane Crosley’s Look Alive Out There. New York Times. April 19, 2018.

"The aspect of me she called 'the hermit' she thought charming — insofar as it was artistic, part of the mysterious charm of artists. The idea of me, her new friend, holed up in a room behind a locked door hunched over a manuscript was titillating — in the abstract, as long as it happened at those times when she did not happen to call and want to chat."
Anneli Rufus. Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto. Da Capo Press, 2003. p. 71.

To have a shared heart

"We [my sister and I] longed for each other mightily but somehow understood that our love was too strong to allow for either one of us to have real relationships with anyone else, and that it was probably best that we live in separate cities. We still shared a conjoined psycho-spiritual system, where we found ourselves changing in tandem ways throughout our life."
But on this particular Sunday morning, Faith wasn’t answering the phone.
Jill Soloway. She Wants It: Desire, Power, and Toppling the Patriarchy. Crown, 2018.

Wednesday, February 3, 2021

Quotes on friendship, especially political friendship

“...it strikes me [that] the more accurate labels than "left" and "right" would be "humanist" and "supremacist.”” — A. R. Moxon, Mastodon, August 27, 2023
For more on that, see my Aug 2023 post on this Disruptive Dissertation blog: On political nostalgia and the voice of self-described civility

Danielle Allen describes the similarities between friendship and democracy. "Friendship is not an emotion, but a practice," she says, "a set of hard-won, complicated habits that are used to bridge trouble, difficulty, and differences of personality, experience, and aspiration." Friends have "a shared life...with common events, climates, built-environments, fixations of the imagination, and social structures." And so, too, democracy. Each of us has "an individual perspective on a set of phenomena relevant to all. Some live behind one veil, and others behind another, but the air that we all breathe carries the same gases and pollens through those veils. More important, our shared elements (events, climates, environments, imaginative fixations, economic conditions, and social structures), when considered at the political rather than the private level, are made out of the combination of all our interactions with each other." Think about the historical significance, assuming that this "shared life, recorded as history, will be the only artifact we leave behind." Recognizing this, we can embark on "political friendship." This will lead to a recognition that "a core citizenly responsibility is to prove oneself trustworthy to fellow citizens so that we are better able to ensure that we all breathe healthy air." That will necessitate a difficult self-examination: "one has to know why one is distrusted. The politics of friendship requires of citizens a capacity to attend to the dark side of the democratic soul."
[An excerpt from Danielle S. Allen, Talking to Strangers: Anxieties of Citizenship since Brown v. Board of Education. (2006). The book is available on Bookshop.]

Bob Marley said: "Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you: You just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." From this, one may suppose that the ethical task may be to become one for whom others find it worthwhile to suffer, even if you occasionally or inevitably hurt them.
[Bob Marley, quoted in IBTimes.com, quoted in The Week, Oct. 28, 2016. p. 19.]"

The plague, in Albert Camus' story of that name, kills people's capacity for love and friendship. After all, he explains, that capacity "asks something of the future, and nothing was left us but a series of present moments.”
[Albert Camus, The Plague, Part Three. Translated by Stuart Gilbert (1948). New York: Vintage, 1991. p. 182.]

“How odd that we must live in the present and yet be largely judged by what is yet to be, that as our biological vitality begins to ebb we should still be expected to rise to our best. And yet just this ongoing press for spiritual fulfillment allows us at any moment to turn from continuing to live as we should not have and now, at this new moment, begin to be the self we ought always to have been. For the Transcendent makes Its claim anew at every instant and waits for us to seize the moment to make the past right and culminate our lives in faithfulness to It."
[Eugene B. Borowitz. Renewing the Covenant: A Theology for the Postmodern Jew. (1991) Philadelphia: Jewish Publication Society, 1996. p. 94.]

"To love someone from the moment of his death: is that friendship?"
Edouard Levé, Suicide, quoted as an epigraph to Candace Jane Opper. Certain and Impossible Events. Tucson, Arizona: Kore Press, 2021.]

Perhaps not. Perhaps friendship requires more.

“Love demands infinitely less than friendship.”
[The critic George Jean Nathan, quoted in the Associated Press. Quoted in The Week. May 13, 2011. p. 19.]

"As rare as true love is, true friendship is still rarer."
[Francois de La 'Rochefoucauld, 1613-1680, quoted by Mary Wollstonecraft, A Vindication of the Rights of Woman, p 29.]

'To win' and 'to be free, safe, thriving'

"...the fight we’re in is difficult, and winning it requires answering difficult questions. On the left and really across political media a lot of people want your anger. They want your clicks, fueled by and your rage. And I’ve been determined to not just give you rage-bait. I don’t want you to just click and share in your frustration and fury and then go about your day. I want to win. I want us to be free, safe, thriving. And I want us to build that world together. That takes difficult things and complex answers. Sometimes, it takes conflict."
— "Writing Controversy," Joshua P. Hill, New Means, Feb 6, 2024

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